That mesmerising night

Day passed by and it was good being Friday :) except few people at work things were good. Now 4 days break ... Ahhhhaaaa...

While on my way back to home today got completely lost on thoughts. Suddenly I realised that Rajeev used to be great guy once upon time. He always made me smile no matter how bad my mood used to be.somewhere down the lane I somehow missed all the old folks. I took my cellphone and instantly dialled Rajeev's number without giving it a thought.he said he would call back Ashe was at work and tomorrow would be day to talk - being weekend. He sounded in a good chirpy voice and mood- so that's a good sign.

Few days back again while coming back from work I looked up and started to stare at the street lights which were shining brightly on the sides of the road. The more I looked t it and swiftly got transfered to my Delhi days. That feeling was awesome. I completely lost  myself to Delhi thoughts. There was something mesmerising about those lights. It was one unexplainable feeling I went thru that day.

Feeling tired and wanted to sleep now. Neck pain still troubles me. Add on to it the ear pain. Bhudaapa aa gaya, Sally! Good night !

Today

Will try to update this space everyday. This would be the where no one can judge me. This is where I'll try to talk to myself. I know this voice from my heart cannot be heard by you but that's alright. People call this phase as 'life' and I too would join them in saying this. Talking to oneself is not easy. You can talk and think but when you share it with someone it's like you've been heard. Zindagi ka kattu satya yeh bhi hai ....ab joh cheez mere liye nahi hai means nahi hai. Kya kar sakte hain. Ek baar dekh liya hota ki kaisa lag raha hai un shabdo aur baaton ko sun ke -sirf ek baar. Ek fariyad humne bhi kari lekin kya karein umeed karte karte zindagi beet gayi .....

Shell

Would be hiding from all for a while. I need answers, need to be firm on few things. Also, have to sort out few things. There's my shell and would be in there for a while till I figure out few things. 

Christmas Greetings and usual blah blah

Merry Christmas to every soul on this earth!

What a week to start with. Shifted to our new apt last Monday and today is the Christmas. Every damn little things was suppose to be in order and ghar as usual should look clean on this D-day. We somehow managed to achieve our target :)

Last week spoke to this guy. Someone suggested this proposal. This guy wanted to talk to me before anything could be initiated by our families. Today I pulled up the guy's profile in FB and went thru his pics. Tom Cruise tom cruise hi hai aur Mohit Raina is Mohit Raina :D talking about the guy, he went to States after completing his 12th std in India - Madurai. He asked me about faith, do I go to CSI/CNI church (what diff would it make - point should be whether I go to Church or not) then whether am active in Church related activities ( I always believed in giving back to society - you do it by joining Church related activities or otherwise). I've never stopped people in participating in Church related activities - its a personal decision. I told him that it hardly makes any diff. to me as the crux which comes out from all the Holy books are the same. He said that he would disagree with this point and is debatable. Per him religions contradict each other in some ways. He wouldn't like to believe something which people has said. Rather he would like to analyze and then come to a conclusion. He asked questioned his own religion too in the past (God knows) Sir, its good to analyze but not in all the situations of life. Analyze and tell me how would you love another human being. I understand he must be one of the brainy and intelligent guys around but I feel he still has to broaden up his thoughts when it comes to South/North of India and faith. I found him boring - there were few pauses in between as I also didn't feel like asking (you can't ask everything in one go u see :D ) And then in the end he asked me to call him or atleast buzz him if I had any questions. Man - you wanted to talk to me not I. I sincerely have no idea why guys settled/lived in states talk so much of rubbish when it comes to religion. His parents has not even once called us. It was my parents calling up them. Now they've stopped. But it seems they might turn up one day.

Now today while going thru his pics on fb found out that he wore some golden ring in his finger in his right hand where usually guys put their engagement rings. Also, when he was in US saw that ring on his finger but in the later pics it wasn't there. It was a big ring too. Not sure whether this guy went thru broken engagement.  I don't trust - not even 1% - specially guys living in States. And no body would come up to me and tell me the number of girls he had slept with. No one at home knows that his pics are avail on fb and I've went thru them.

I want to go for dental treatment to get the protruding upper front teeth corrected. Doctor has advised it would take an years time for the treatment. Now folks are slightly worried about it as my mother has asked me as what I would do if I get married in the next couple of months. To hell with marriage - am done with Indian men. The day it has to happen it will. I can't keep postponing my present for someone who hasn't turned up so far. Indian men are hypocrites. They draw and treat girlfriends and wives differently. Still don't believe that I was raised in the same society. Sick.

I'll sign off with few thoughts on my mind!

crushes II

How can I forget those guys who made my heart go tick-tick - aaaaaah

this guy who interviewed me  - that was couple of months ago

And this other guy who I met in this bank :)

They were so sweet and cute :D

weird feeling

I am tired but don't feel like taking rest - don't feel like taking a nap.

I want to sit silently and want to feel my life.

At times - there's feeling - I don't want to feel anything - numbness and stillness comes to rescue.

But I will cling on to you - God. This world was created by you. All the fellow beings are created by you. So I will stand in front of You with folded hands and a small prayer on my lips.I won't say - why me. I'll ask you to give me the strength to carry on with my life - whatever it is - good,bad,ugly.

Why should I let this time pass ? I don't know. 

For a change

Jaan kar bhi woh Mujhe jaan na paaye,
Aaj tak woh Mujhe pehchaan na paaye,
Khud hi kar li bewafai humne,
taaki unpar koi ilzaam na aaye!
Nakaam si koshish kiya karte hain,
Hum hain ki unse pyar kiya karte hain,
Khuda ne takdir me ek tuta tara nahi likha,
Aur hum hain ki chaand ki aarzu kiya karte hain!
milna itifaak tha bicharna naseeb tha
wo utna he door ho gaya jitna kareeb tha
hum usko dekhne k liye taraste he rahe
jis shaks ki hatheli pe hamara naseeb tha.....


*******


I close my eyes and I let my body shut itself down and I let my mind wander. It wanders to a familiar place. 
A place I don’t talk about or acknowledge exists.
A place where there is only me. 
A place that I hate. I am alone. 
Alone here and alone in the world.
Alone in my heart and alone in my mind.
Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People.
Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror.
Alone in my horror. I don’t want to be alone.
I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it.
I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right.
I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again.
I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness.
I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. . .
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone.

— James Frey

WTH

whats happening around me and all depends how I would react ....

:)

Finally, I nailed it ... me now CCNA certified. Feeling relieved - mere 15K bach gaye :D I dont want to think about the worse had I flunked this exam. Finished the exam in an hours time. Woke up early after a sleepless night at around 5:30 in the morning. Reached exam centre by 8 and exam started by 8:30 :) What matters is I cleared it .... feels so good. At the age of 32+ I've cleared one live examination :D While doing the Masters I actually failed in Networking exam in the first attempt ( this wasnt CCNA). I have to re-attempt it. And today I cleared this one. Wow!! I dont believe. I used to run away from Networking and its concepts and today I managed to clear the exam. I've scored 986 out of 1000. Itni padhai pehle kari hoti to aaj mein kahan hoti :P


I thank my lord with all my heart! Thank You! :)

Belief and strength ...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Always trust in Him. 

Another day

Convincing others at times means pressurizing them to take a step/decision which is not meant for them.

And the fight continues for that dream and for that life ........

Few lines..

Sometimes its good to keep your feelings/emotions to yourself only. Life is precious so are these emotions. They make you feel who are you and what you are upto... When the world is after you, you walk with your head held high with no fears... Uncertainty - life is full with it. But why succumb to a pressure or a choice when you know its not for you. People cannot understand your 'life' - its you - yes YOU who has to live and fight for your own dreams - no matter how tough and far they are. God bless !

Regret

I regret as why didn't I say "ok" when you said that you can wait for me.


This feeling is bad and this realization has come too late. I dont know what to say.


"Love the one who loves you" - Now I realize the true meaning of this quote. AJ was right when he said these lines.

Someone has rightly said it - Don't always follow your heart it can create problems and awkwardness and a lot of heartache.